funny story

[Soulstar]

HAVE YOU EVER MET SOMEONE LIKE THIS? A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A NECRO !!!!!

So there I was.....minding my own business in The Overthere, when all of a
sudden I see the message: "d00d sow
plz".

Of course, my natural instinct was not to answer, since I thought the
clueless newb (hereafter referred to politely as
"the petitioner") must have been poorly informed at best.

Boy was I ever wrong.

I switch out of 1st person into an external camera, and what did my wandering
eyes behold? Only myself and the
petitioner.

So I says to myself...."Self? You need to edumacate this fella!"

(Keep in mind what the overall setting looked like: There I was, in skeleton
form, carrying a scythe, FLOATING IN
MIDAIR IN A MEDITATING POSITION, with a LARGE dark-brown skeleton named
"Gibober" standing behind me.
Ummm....No, skippy, I'm not a druid or a shaman.)

I say "Wish I could, bro, but I don't have SoW. I'm a Necromancer."

The Petitioner says, "$#*&@#$ dick, sow me already! it's for a cr"

Feeling as if my feathers had been ruffled a bit, I do a "/who all dumbass"
(um..pardon..I meant "/who all petitioner")

This is where I discovered the "/who all" bug. Certainly it must have been a
bug, right? There's NO WAY IN CREATION
the dumbas...err...petitioner could have been a level 31 Dark Elf Wizard,
right???? RIGHT????? /em begins to cry like a
little girl.

Well, needless to say, I couldn't have been any more shocked than if my pet
began dancing an Irish Jig. I quickly
begin the arduous task of maintaining my composure, while deciding how best
to deal with this tricky situation.

I say, "Necromancer's can't cast SoW".

Petitioner says, "Bull@#$%! you cast a spell while you were running and you
sped up! i couldn't catch you until you
sat down! if you're not going to sow me just say so you dont have to be a
dick about it a$$hole"

Yes I know....he didn't use any punctuation in that last sentence.

I say, "I have JBoots."

He says, "what are they"

Before I have a chance to pick my chin up off the floor....

Petitioner asks, "can you buff my hps my hp sux"

I say, "I can't buff you, dude. I'm a necromancer. I only have one buff that
you would probably want."

He says, "yeah the one you won't give me dick"

Ok. Time to have fun with the hopelessly clueless.

I say, "Why do you need a sow?"

He says, "i need to get to burned woods to hunt. sumbody said its perfect for
my level"

Yep. That's what he said......"burned woods".

I say, "man are you ever in the wrong place."

He says, "?"

Apparently he found the "question mark" key conveniently located nearby other
various and sundry communication
facilitators.

I didn't answer him.

He repeats, "??"

Found it twice...good for him.

He repeats, "???"

Having an IQ greater than plantlife, I sensed a pattern forming.

I say, "You are NO WHERE near Burned Woods."

He says, "my friend told me it was in kunark"

I say, "Yeah, the operative word there is 'WAS'. There was a major patch a
couple of months ago after a bunch of
complaints were filed about 'static content'."

He says, "?"

I say, "!"

He says, "?"

I say, ","

He says, "wtf"

I say, "no, already have some."

He says, "????"

I don't respond.

He says, "so where the @#$% is burned woods"

He lost the question mark button again. Probably popped off when he was
sniffing his feet.

I say, "Well, THIS week it's south of Freeport. It changes with every patch,
since they began randomizing zone
locations."

My guild is hysterical at this point. And I haven't even told them the ENTIRE
story yet. Just snippets.

He says, "@#$% i just got off the boat"

I say, "You don't need the boat."

He says "why"

I say, "You're a wizard!"

He says, "how you know that"

I say, "I did a /wh...nevermind....the important thing is you have
teleportation spells."

He says, "oh yeah the green ones"

I nod.

I say, "Yep. The 'green ones'. Pretty nice how you have them grouped by
color."

He says, "thx"

I say, "How'd you think about doing it that way?"

He says, "they were all @#$%## up when i got this char"

I say, "Sit down and mem the spell 'Fay Gate'."

He says, "why"

Question mark key is on the ground in front of your chair, guy. Mixed in with
your collection of boogers.

I say, "It's going to put you within spitting distance of Burned Woods."

He says, "how do you know"

I say, "All patch messages come with a zone connection map."

He says, "oh"

I say, "Ok. You have it memmed now?"

He had just stood up after what I assumed was meditating/looking at his spell
book.

He says, "yeah"

I say, "Ok. Cast the spell and let me know when you get there."

Dumba...errr....Petitioner begins to cast a spell.

A LONG time goes by.....ok, maybe 5 minutes
I still haven't heard from him.

Getting curious:

I tell petitioner, "Are you there yet?"

No reply. No reply at all. [Yes, I'm a Genesis fan... ]

Obviously he's there, or my tell wouldn't have gone through.

I tell petitioner, "Hit the 'r' key to reply to me."

He replies, "i'm here now where do i go."

Right idea....wrong punctuation mark. Oh well. "C" for effort.

I tell petitioner, "Ok, do you see a hotkey on the screen that says 'Sense
Heading'?"

He replies, "no"

I reply, "Hit the arrow buttons one by one until you see one."

It was a guess, but an educated one.

He replies, "found it"

I reply, "Click on it."

He replies, "north"

I reply, "Ok, you need to head east along the path. Keep going until the path
turns north. When it forks to the right,
take the right fork."

He replies, "ok"

Who knows, maybe the guy who sold his account on Ebay worked his Felwithe
faction up.

He replies, "sumbody told me i shouldnt be here cause i'm a dark elf"

I reply, "They were roleplaying."

He replies, "oh hehe @#$%@#$ morons ;P"

Priceless. Utterly priceless, I tell you.

I reply, "Where are you?"

He replies, "i see something now. looks like a castle"

I reply, "Run into the castle as fast as you can. The guards might give you
some trouble, just keep running."

Yeah...damned conscience started kicking in.

A fairly long period of time passes. Not sure how long, but longer than I was
expecting.

I tell petitioner, "What happened?"

As if I didn't know....

He replies, "my spells are gone!"

I reply, "What happened?"

He replies, "i died why"

I reply, "Oh man! Did I tell you to run east or west?"

He replies, "east wtf???"

I reply, "Yikes. My bad. You should have run west."

He replies, "?"

I reply, "So where are you now?"

He replies, "how can i tell"

I reply, "Look right after you see 'Loading please wait'. It should tell you
'You have entered [zone]'."

He replies "it doesnt say [zone] there."

After smacking my head against my monitor....

I reply, "What does it say in place of [zone]?".

Get this....

He replies, "Burning Woods"

I nearly fell out of my chair! I couldn't have PLANNED it that way!

He replies, "is that the same as burned woods"

I reply, "No, but you're close. Start running south so you can get your
corpse back."

He replies, "i have to get my corpse back?????"

/ignore petitioner


Moral of the story: EBay...Just Say No!

Out of sheer curiosity, I took him off ignore later to find out what
happened.

I tell petitioner, "How's it going?"

He replies, "wtf? where you been"

I reply, "been afk, sorry."

He replies, "got my corpse back. some dude rezzed me."

My conscience somewhat eased...

I reply, "Really? Cool! Where are you now?"

He replies, "iceclad ocean"

I scratch my head a few times.

I reply, "Why Velious?"

He replies, "the guy that rezzed me told me burned woods was in western
wastes this week"

I don't recall exactly how long it took me to stop laughing. I stopped
breathing shortly before my dog dialed 911.

He replied, "@#$%&* wouldnt sow me either. what is that sh#$ gold?"

That's what finally killed me. I'm writing this from the afterlife.



This is the follow up story from the cleric who rezzed him near Felwithe. Friend of mine digged it up, probably on the same necro side. "

quote
Here comes some idiot Dark Elf running past me, running straight down
the road that is going to lead him to Felwithe. I scratch my head, and
being the nosey sort of Dwarf that I am...I send him a tell.

I tell the DE, "Wait"

DE tells me, "?"

I sigh into my ale as I take another longt draught off of it before
running up to him and saying, "Ye really don't wanna go messin around
over there with them High Elves' They look like pansies, but they aint."

The DE stands there with a vacant look on his face for a few minutes
before just running away. Do a /who on the DE and find out he's 31st
level. Ok, so maybe he knows what he's doing. I've seen Ogres in North
Freeport, after all. I go back to drinking my ale.

Out of curiosity, I send him another tell a few minutes later.

I tell the DE, "Not gettin' into any trouble over there are ye?"

DE tells me, "STFU !@#$% roleplayer"

I sigh into my ale again, finishing it off. Ah, tis the season of the
twit. I stand up and head towards Felwithe to resupply my ale.

Just as I get to the gates of the ugliest city on Norrath, what do I
find but a dead dark elf and a pair of guards snickering and cleaning
their weapons. Now this is priceless.

I do a /who on the poor soul and see he is in Burning Woods. Being the
sucker that I am, I feel compelled to rez the twit...after all, I am a
!@#$% roleplayer and I roleplay a !@#$% cleric...albeit a !@#$% grumpy
one.

I sit down to mem Reviviscene and while I am waiting for it to refresh I
send the DE a tell.

I tell the DE, "Would ye like a rez?"

DE tells me, "no i want a !@#$% sow dumbas i have to run south to get my
corpse back so dont be a dick and just sow me plz"

I look around for an ale but unfortunatly Brell hates me at this moment
in time, so I simply reply. "If I rez ya, ye wont need to run south to
yer body. You will appear at yer body. I am not standing near you, I am
standing near yer corpse."

DE tells me, "d00d rez plz"

As I sigh I look at my Holy Symbol of Brell and sigh "I'm gonna get a
stout named after me right?" and I tell the DE "Consent me so I can rez
ya" but I get no reply. No reply at all. So I say it again "Consent me
so I can rez ya"

DE tells me, "ok you can rez me"

I sit down again at this point. I have no ale and this is gonna take
awhile. I tell the DE, "Type /consent and my name" Being a smart dwarf I
tell the DE, "/consent Cleric_01" and say again "Just like that" before
he can make my head hurt more.

Sure enough, I recieve consent to drag his corpse. So I stand up and get
ready to drag the corpse when suddenly I am denied permission to drag
his corpse. I begin to think like him and I think "WTF?" So I tell the
DE, "No...just type it once. One more time. That's it. Dont type it
again" thinking that as soon as I get this over with, I can go buy more
ale and my head will stop hurting.

I recieve consent and I quickly drag it towards the zone since this is
the direction the guy was going anyway. I get the body by the zone and
cast Rez on it, comforted by the fact that I am one heal away from being
done with this guy.

The naked DE appears in front of me and I stand up to cast my final
spell of this exchange when he says to me "your that !@#%% roleplayer"
and then a moment later, almost as an afterthought "thx"

Compelled at this point, I ask "Why were you running into Felwithe when
you are KoS?"

DE says, "I was going to burned woods"

I say, "Burning Woods?"

DE says, "no dumbass i go there when i die i want to hunt burned woods"

I say, "Who told you to go hunting in Burned Woods, inside Felwithe?"

DE says, "some dick who wouldnt sow me" and then "will you sow me plz,
its for a CR"

I stand there drooling on myself for a moment, trying to catch up. I
havent had an ale in a good 20 minutes at this point, so I am starting
to see spots.

DE says, "dont be a dick just sow me before they move the zone again"

I stare at the lad and ask "Move Burned Woods? Again?"

DE says, "yea"

I finally snap and say, "They aren't going to move it again. Once they
moved it to Western Wastes, with all the snow, it stopped burning."

DE says, "i saw a burning tree"

I say, "Exactly my point. Now if they would only move Burning Woods
there it would stop too and people wouldn't go there when they die."

DE says, "can you sow me, its for CR"

I say, "sow doesnt work in IC until you get past EW and then it will
work for CR's only until you get to WW, then ask the first person you
see for sow there." I add as an afterthought "Sometimes they look like
flying blue things but they can sow"

DE says, "wtf???"

I say, "Allow me to use smaller words. You do not need a sow yet. Do
what I say and you'll get there right away." and then "Sit down and mem
the spell Bind Affinity"

DE is silent for a bit and finally says "its red" as he is standing up

I say, "I am glad they covered Colors this week. Now target yourself and
cast this spell. " He just stands there for a minute, so I add "it will
r0ck" and he begins to cast the spell, binding himself behind the guards
at Felwithe. I feel somewhat better already, maybe I dont need ale.

DE says, "it said bound" and begins to giggle

I say, "Now sit down and mem the spell Iceclad Gate. This will r0ck even
more."

DE says, "this one is green"

I say, "You're damn good at those colors man"

DE says, "thx"

When the DE stands up I say "This is going to take you to Iceclad Ocean.
It's an ocean so that's why they moved Burned Woods there....to put it
out."

DE says, "what about sow"

I say, "Remember that sow wont work until you are on a CR in WW. In fact
you actually run faster in snow if you set the RUN button to WALK. Do
that now."

DE says, "ok"

I say, "Now cast Iceclad Gate....the Green one. Remember to run straight
out of where you appear and dont stop swimming until you hit Burned
Woods."

DE begins to cast a spell and I zone in to get my ale....remembering
that the Ignore list cures most headaches that ale cant and feeling
somewhat better about going back to Sebilis.

[Fizzgig]

OMG I think I met this guy /snicker

[Karlah]

OMG OMG ROFL OMG OMG

[Kaneril Knightwing]

You see what us Necros have to put up with???

[Leggo]

Dats am sooo funee.....:D  an yous think mes am dum...:rolleyes:

[Kazaba]

Lol, I read the first part before but it never gets less funny.  The second part was new to me and just as funny.  Thanks Souls

[Fambene]

roflmao, ive read this before but this time was just as funny as the first one.

i laughed my ass off on:

He replied, "@#$%&* wouldnt sow me either. what is that sh#$ gold?"

That's what finally killed me. I'm writing this from the afterlife.

[Fizzgig]

lol when saryrn when down some newb in the chat room was asking where they moved burned woods after last nights patch /snicker

[Kazaba]

Bumping this because it may be my favorite post ever :)

[Airelyn]

Ya I read that first blurb a long time ago, never saw the second one... I had to read the whole thing again because it is too damn funny :)

[Lourdos]

OMG that is hilarious...

/em wipes away tears...