kids

[Sdaenea]

>Who says kids aren't smart?
>Things you learn from Children
>
>For those with no children---this is totally
>hysterical!
>For those who already have children past this
>age---this is hilarious.
>For those who have children this age---this is
>not funny.
>For those who have children nearing this
>age---this is a warning.
>For those who have not yet had children---this
>is birth control.
>
>The following came from an anonymous mother in
>Austin, Texas:
> >
>
>Things I've learned from my children (honest and no
>kidding):
>
>
>
>   1.. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill
>   a 2000-sq.ft. house four inches deep.
>   >
>   2.. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run
>   over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
>   3.. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in
>   a crowded restaurant.
>   4.. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the
>   motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman
>underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a
>paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
>   5.. You should not throw baseballs up when the
>   ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw
>the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a
>baseball a long way.
>   6.. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
>   baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
>   7.. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh
>   oh," it's already too late. (No matter how old the
>   child!)
>   8.. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and
>   lots of it.
>   9.. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint
>   rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in
>   the movies.
>   10.. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive
>   tract of a 4-year old.
>   11.. Play dough and microwave should not be used in
>   the same sentence.
>   12.. Super glue is forever.
>   13.. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming
>   pool you still can't walk on water.
>   14.. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
>   15.. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
>they do.
>   16.. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
>   17.. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when
>   driving.
>   18.. You probably do not want to know what that
>   odor is.
>   19.. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
>   Plastic toys do not like ovens.
>   20.. The fire department in Austin, TX, has a
>   5-minute response time.
>   21.. The spin cycle on the washing machine does
>   not make earthworms dizzy.
>   22.. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
>   23.. Cats throw up twice their body weight when
>   dizzy.
>   24.. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

[Superfly]

20.. The fire department in Austin, TX, has a 5-minute response time.

Well, now I have to try it. You'd better be right!

/afk matches

[Leiyah]

How to know whether or not you are ready for kids

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try
to
walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you
as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the
floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set
alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa
Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone
and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick
it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate
chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along
both
sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And
try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing
them
for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheque to be directly deposited to
the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the
last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to
them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy
this
experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

MUSIC TEST
On your expensive CD player and awesome speakers, play Britney Spears
and Steps over and over again, very loud. Dance to it while looking
happy. Take a good long look at your CD collection. You won't be
hearing
them for a long, long time.

In the car, play Postman Pat and Silly Songs Collection (for 3 - 6 year
olds, Early Learning Centre) tapes for four hours while driving down
the
M5. Whatever you do don't play what YOU want. Sing along to the music
in
a traffic jam.

When relaxing and playing your own CDs (rare), suddenly put on a cheapo
cassette player in the room playing Aqua's Barbie Girl. Turn off your
CD
and walk out of the room. Move on to Mess Test II.

MESS TEST II
After spending two hours cleaning the house, put rags and old shoes in
the hallway by the front door. Leave pieces of cloth on the stairs in a
pleasing random fashion. Pick them all up and put them in a wooden box.
Do the same thing everyday for ten years.

BOOK TEST
Spend at least fifty pounds on expensive picture books. Draw in them in
indelible pen and leave them in the garden. Make sure it's raining.
Smile and tut affectionately to your self.